Lately I've been having so much trouble finding joy in my life. It seems like everyday is a new struggle to wake up to. Everyday leaves me feeling burdened and aching. I can't remember the last time when I felt carefree and happy inside with no worries. The past few days have been so stressful and upsetting with making up homework for college, grieving my best-friend death figuring out future college plans and emailing tons of college professors for guidance and assistance.
A week that I was supposed to be spending with my friends family after his funeral everything has turned into such a stressful week trying to get tons done. Why can't anything ever be simple? I feel like college has made me so stressed out recently and has left me feeling empty and questioning where God is in my life. I feel like most people don't seem to understand the effort and heartaches of emailing college professors, meeting with deans and advisors beyond belief to try to work out my schedule and figure out classes- it has just left me worn and frail. Trying to put more effort into my work in my classes has not even shown for most of my classes and it has made me feel disappointed and discouraged that no matter how hard I try it just turns out average and my hard work is overlooked once again.
Lately I have just felt worried and stressed out beyond belief over things that I know don't really matter to most people, but they are so important to me. I think we all have things like that in our own life. We get so stressed over the littlest things but to others they are insignificant and often people don't understand the depth and hurt it causes. They don't realize just how much something hurts or the impact it makes on you.
Job 56:1-2
If only my anguish could be weighted and all my misery be placed on the scales!
It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas.
Nobody truly understands what you have gone through. Nobody knows the effort you put into things. Nobody knows how deeply something hurt you. Nobody knows the searing pain you've felt. Nobody knows the letdowns you've faced. Nobody knows the disgrace you feel when you are neglected. Nobody has seen all the tears you've cried. Nobody has seen the fake smiles you show to cover the pain inside. Nobody knows how hard you have tried to hold it all together. Nobody knows the amount of courage it takes to get up in the morning.
Sometimes it seems like nobody understands, and that probably is true, but know that God sees your pain, tears, heartaches, trials and fears. He knows everything about you. He has collected your tears and knows the hairs on your head (most of us don't even know that about ourselves). God knows you inside and out and He has a plan for all that happens in our life. Bad things happen to us and often it hurts more than most people see. Sometimes the pain never truly goes away but it can always teach us something.
The past few days I have been feeling upset with God with the life He's given me. Things have gotten so hard lately and I just can't stand another let-down. Everyday it's something else that is thrown my way. I've just been getting so weary with so much being thrown at me. I don't know how much longer I can stand it and remain strong. Today was the breaking point- I felt like everything hit harder today. I just couldn't take it anymore and I just needed to let some of it out from all that I've been holding inside. I felt like God was just slamming so many doors in my face and everything was coming back "no." Lately I've been so tired of hearing no or wait. I just need to find hope for the future, because right now there's nothing but pain.
When you feel like all you have is pain and heartaches in your life remind yourself of your eternal home. The pain that you've been feeling down here is only temporary. Remind yourself of the joy you will feel when you reach heaven knowing you didn't give up when the going got hard. Keep strong and know that God is in this life with you- you are not in it alone. You may be going through your darkest night, but know the sun will come up in the morning and all will be made right.
Michael V. Reynold
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